After reading Mark Goulston’s book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, I can safely say it’s a must-read for anyone looking to increase their persuasion and collaborative work skills. While the whole text is full of great insight on how to harness the power of persuasion, I found myself most struck by Goulston’s chapter titled, “When All Seems Lost – Bare Your Neck,” in which he describes how projecting vulnerability yourself produces vulnerability in others. The basis for his theory here are the brain’s mirror neurons. Scientists have found that these neurons act as the basis for empathy, making us, if only for a moment, feel the same emotions as someone we are watching. If you’ve ever cringed when a friend gets a paper cut or cheered when a movie hero ends up with the girl, you’ve experienced your mirror neurons at work. Other scientists refer to these neurons as “Dalai Lama neurons” because they are evolution’s efforts to dissolve the barriers between self and others.
Moving on from the neuroscience, why is this mirroring important for life in the workplace? If we circle back to Goulston’s main points about vulnerability, he states that baring your neck to someone else will induce mirroring of this vulnerability in others. Thanks to biology, they won’t be able to help it, even colleagues who may not like you very much. This tool is an effective way to show authenticity and honesty, bond and connect with others, and help the other party see your point of view. Finding the courage to expose your vulnerabilities can be difficult, but trusting in the reciprocal empathy of others is proven to be effective. Collaborative and highly functional office environments thrive on expectations of mutual respect, a side effect of mutual vulnerability.
On the other side of the coin, disguising your vulnerabilities can be harmful because of these same mirror neurons. Whatever negative attitude you’re painting over your distress will rub off on the people you’re interacting with, making the situation worse. Take, for example, using anger to cover up fear of failure. Maybe you have a big presentation coming up that you’re nervous won’t go over well, so you project a “screw you” attitude to hide feelings of helplessness. Rather than receiving support or empathy in return, you’re likely to get back a “fine – screw you, too.” Baring your neck (read: exposing your fears) to your coworkers will produce empathetic reactions, including offers of assistance, words of encouragement, etc.
Collaboration and cooperation are important aspects of any human interaction, specifically in the workplace. Whether it be negotiating a contract with a new client or pitching your next great ad campaign, learning to recognize internal distress and respond with vulnerability can create an atmosphere of valuable openness and respect that is a surefire recipe for success.